Episode 3 | 10 Opinions Debunked After 10 Years of Marriage
In today’s special anniversary edition, I’ll debunk…
10 Opinions of marriage after 10 years of being married
I’ll break down some commonly held opinions, share some personal stories and perspectives with you, and challenge you to explore your own opinions about marriage.
🎧 Want more real talk and actionable coaching insights?
Subscribe to The Unpopular Opinion Podcast on Spotify and never miss an episode. Whether you’re building a business, mastering your mindset, or navigating life’s curveballs, I’m here to challenge the norm and coach you through it all—10-15 minutes at a time.
Click here to subscribe on Spotify and join the conversation.
.
Thanks for listening—remember to stay empowered, and let’s RISE together!
-
That's right! I'm kicking off episode 2 on a very personal note. January 2024 was my husband and I's 10-year wedding anniversary, and I took some time to reflect on this very important milestone, I reflected on where our life and relationship have taken us thus far, and I thought about the lessons and the blessings we received along the way.
So in this episode, I'm going to focus on the messaging we receive about marriage, whether directly or indirectly, from society or our own personal observations and experiences.
I've compiled a list of 10 common opinions we might have about marriage and I'm going to share some truths that I've learned and observed.
This list is not comprehensive by any means, as there are many things to learn about marriage, all very much individual to the couple. These are some of the aspects that come to mind after my personal marriage experiences and my professional experience working with married couples.
Let’s get started with #1 Marriage is Hard.
Let’s face it, LIFE can be hard. Every.single.person goes through tough times. There is no denying that. With this opinion, I’m debunking the “preconceived notion” that marriage is hard. The mindset you enter into marriage is crucial to your lived experience. When you believe that marriage is hard, all you’ll see and experience is hardship.
When you shift your perspective, your reality changes. I can affirm that marriage DOES NOT HAVE TO BE HARD. Sure it takes good communication, understanding, respect, and teamwork, just like any other interpersonal relationship, but be mindful of the perspective you have deep within … it may be a relic of your past… or a belief you’ve constructed based on your interpretations… either way - leave it in the past and shape your future for the better.
#2 Separating Finances is Safer
My question to you: Safer for who? This is not financial advice* and everyone is different…. BUT by and large, when you think separately, you behave separately… and over time, that may not be safe for any marriage.
Separate bank accounts - secret savings/credit cards - hidden expenses - poor financial habits - They all lurk in the darkness.
It can be a recipe for destruction. Complete financial honesty and transparency are better for both parties. Keeps everyone accountable to their financial goals, and builds financial trust within the relationship…which is something not a lot of people talk about… but once it’s broken, it’s hard to come back from. Furthermore, you both may want to sit down and discuss your financial goals regularly to keep the lines of communication open.
#3 Marriage Degrades Over Time
Sure, I can agree that your marriage will certainly take hits over the years, and in some cases your union can be completely fractured or uprooted… But your foundation is most important to continually work on to fortify your bond through the hard times that you will inevitably experience. You do this again and again throughout your marriage, not just at the beginning.
As you do this your union becomes more resilient to hard times, you'll gain new skills together, and come out stronger on the other side. When you put in the work to fortify a healthy foundation, your marriage actually can become better!
#4 You have to have the same interests
While it’s good to have overlapping interests, hobbies, etc… It's even more important to allow your spouse time to explore their own interests. Too much sameness and togetherness can breed codependency, which is not good in any interpersonal relationship, even a marriage. (keep listening for opinion #8 on codependency)
Time apart, enjoying enriching new experiences builds character, independence, and individuality, and can be a great point of interest, support, and conversation when you are together.
#5 Insulting your spouse as a joke is okay
I see this all the time… and at one point… I thought this was okay to do because everyone else would do it. This is a BIG NO NO!! Even if you think you are joking… as they say, “there’s a little truth to every ‘just kidding’” … What you’re doing at that moment is exposing something embarrassing, sensitive or vulnerable about your spouse publicly... right in front of them. Something they wouldn't be so quick to talk about themselves. In the long run this can lead to resentment, lack of openness, and distrust… it can also be turned against you in the event your spouse “jokes” about you in a way that you’re not comfortable with. No bueno. Do not think that just because you're married now it gives you a license to be more brazen with your partner and their sensitivities.
#6 Gossiping or complaining about your spouse behind their back is okay
This is a close cousin to the previous opinion… and it’s just as destructive. While it’s very important to be able to discuss the nature of your relationship with a few close, loving, non-judgmental friends or family; it’s quite another thing to gossip or complain about your spouse as a means of regular conversation.
Exposing all the ins and outs of your relationship is not integral to your bond and it doesn’t feel good to speak negatively about your spouse and then appear together as if you didn’t just rip them apart.
As for the more judgmental, not-so-supportive, low-vibe friends, we speak to sometimes… you’re exposing the cracks in your union for them to pick apart and even perpetuate through more gossip.
Please - try to treat people the way you want to be treated. If you wouldn’t want someone talking about sensitive topics behind your back, do not do it to the one person you took vows to love until the end of time. It’s not a good look, a good habit, and can lead to problems in your marriage. Keep a lid on it and protect their, and your, privacy.
#7 You have to be “intimate” X amount of times a week for a healthy marriage
I’ll spare you time reading all the mainstream media articles that dish “facts and figures” and I’ll get to the point… the rules are there are no rules… and the rules will change from season to season. I say this to say - maintain a perspective that your physical intimacy will ebb and flow throughout your marriage for a multitude of reasons. (children, caregiving, illness, travel for careers, burnout, mental health, trauma, etc)
Here are a few other ways to maintain intimacy - spend alone time together, dream about your future together, take up a new hobby together, go on an adventure together, overcome hurdles together as a team, be vulnerable, and TALK to each other… all of these lesser-known things will help you grow your bond and make your physical intimacy more special when it does happen.
#8 Codependency in a marriage is okay
Codependency hides easily inside a marriage. Of course, there are times we depend on our spouses… we may depend on each other for emotional support, love and belonging, and even financial support when one person isn’t providing an income. But the key to identifying codependency is whether or not it is mutually beneficial.
When one party loses their sense of self, individuality, or identity… The partnership is now enmeshed. This is an environment ripe for manipulation or worse… abuse. Even in its most benign versions, the loss of identity and enmeshment can lead to dissatisfaction and resentment. (go back to opinion #4 for ideas on new interests and maintaining individuality)
#9 The person you married isn’t supposed to change
It’s safer to believe that the person you married will change over time, and your goal is to get to know that person over and over again as the years go by.
The human condition is to grow and change. Hopefully in a positive way, for the better. Even through hardship, people will change, their perspectives will change, basically… everything will change.
But that can be a good thing. “We grow through what we go through.” And it’s far more interesting to grow with your spouse and rediscover yourselves and each other along the way.
#10 “Contracting” on future situations safeguards your future decision-making
Even if you conversed on how you see your life unfolding before you get married, as many premarital counseling programs will have you do,… things will happen that you’ve never seen coming. Not all opinions, perspectives, and decisions will stick over the years. Basically, no one has a crystal ball to definitely say what their decisions will be years from now.
You cannot know for sure what your decisions will be until you’re ready to make them. (i.e. careers, children, where to live, who will manage the finances, etc).
Conditions and circumstances may change, and as such your decisions and perspectives will too.
Try not to get locked in on decision-making until the time comes. It’s much better to keep an open mind, an open line of communication, and a flexible mindset with your decision-making.
I bet this was not the typical marriage advice that you may find in most resources. But I also bet you've experienced or observed some of these common opinions about marriage yourself.
See how you can “debunk” your own opinions about marriage.
Of course, not every marriage, or experience, is the same, so I encourage you to take what resonates from this episode and leave the rest.
To compliment this episode, be sure to check out Episode #6 of Bonding Over Bacon where my husband and I sit down together to discuss the 10 things we learned after 10 years of marriage.
